Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
