At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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