I wanna passion pit in your ass
I skipped work to stalk him.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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