Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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