Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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