Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
