Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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