My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
