sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
