I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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