Where are you?
In a non slutty way
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
