You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
