i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
