i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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