I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
