So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
