Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
