i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
