I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
