And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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