Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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