alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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