matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
