First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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