She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
