why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
