He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
