if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
