I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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