I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
