I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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