i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
