I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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