Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
