I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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