tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
