Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
