Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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