i just wanna soil my oats bro
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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