I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
