I'm drive I can fine osifer
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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