i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
