Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Even my vagina gasped.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
