hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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