the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
