Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
