I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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