atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
