We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
