Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
