do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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