Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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