i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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