Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
