It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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