You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
