Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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